Sydney's Seven Deadly Sins
So you're the wrong side of holy? You think piety is a pastry snack and as for church, it's not your fault they have a problem with nipple tassels. Jessica Frawley sullies her soul to bring all you heathens Sydney's most sacrilegious spots
1 Lust
The Crystal Boudoir
With tassels in the appropriate places, this is burlesque at its best. Walking into the GPO's Crystal Boudoir on a Saturday night is like taking Marty McFly's De Lorean back to 1920s Paris. Decadent costumes adorn women whose looks are as polished as their choreography, which is enough to make one declare that sexy has been reclaimed from certain former US boy band members.
The Crystal Boudoir, GPO, No. 1 Martin Place, Sydney 2000. (02 9229 7700). Sat 12 Jul and alternate Saturdays thereafter. Dinner & cabaret $85-$110pp; cabaret only $45pp.
Nocturnal Designs
Feel like giving burlesque a burl? Entrust your jubbly bits (or those of your significant other) into the capable hands of Josephine Maniscalco at Nocturnal Designs. With exclusive rights to Parisian lingerie house Chantal Thomass, expect designs that ooze Parisian flair out of every silken thread. And in suitably Parisian style, partners are encouraged to peer around the velvet curtain and survey the goods.
Nocturnal Designs, Shop 10, The Strand Arcade, 412-414 George St, Sydney 2000. (02 9231 0022) Mon-Wed & Fri 9am-6pm, Thur 9am-8pm, Sat 10am- 5pm, Sun 11am-3pm.
2 Wrath
Don Giovanni
You know what they say: if you can't shout about it, sing about it. Hell, it worked for Britney. For wrath and vengeance with a little bit more class, then really you can't go wrong with opera. Why? Well, in opera there is no such thing as anger management, let alone an apology. Don Giovanni is perhaps opera's greatest seducer (and general delinquent) but does he repent of his sins? Go to rehab for "sex addiction"? Apologise to all those he's hurt along the way? Like hell. The Don is a scoundrel until his dying moments, bellowing even as he's dragged through fire and brimstone by the very man he killed.
Don Giovanni Sydney Opera House. 5 Jul-10 Sep.
Stuart Ringholt - Anger Workshops
Does rage seethe beneath your skin like vipers of lightning? Are you as enraged as Naomi Campbell on a delayed flight? Fear not, help is at hand - at the Art Gallery of NSW. "Art!? How's that supposed to f*****g help!?"we hear you shriek. Aussie artist Stuart Ringholt is offering you a chance to "lose your inhibition in an environment of sound and music". After meditating and primal screaming for 20 minutes, you should emerge the epitome of calm.
Anger Workshops Art Gallery of New South Wales. Wed 9-Thu 15. 12pm & 3pm Daily. Free.
3 Vanity
Diamonds at the Day Spa
For spa treatments worthy of your luscious bod', then nothing less than a visit to the Day Spa at the Observatory Hotel will do. With treatments that include diamonds, caviar and champagne, it's certainly not the thrifty option, but then the best things in life never are (and it's not as though you're paying, surely?). If you have a spare four and a half hours, treat yourself to the Champagne & Caviar Indulgence ($745 incl. caviar) or Diamond Luxe Body Therapy ($700).
Day Spa, Observatory Hotel, 89-113 Kent Street, Sydney, 2000. (02 9256 2222)
4 Gluttony
Bavarian Bier Café: Giant Schnitzel & Schnapps Challenge
Gorging enthusiasts should look no further than Tuesday nights at the Bavarian Bier Café where you'll encounter the Giant Löwenschnitzel. Perched atop a mighty throne of chips, this is truly the God-King of Schnitzel, and at only $15 you'll have change spare for one of their excellent biers (ein stein bitte, fraulein) or a winter-warming Glühwein. Should you finish your meal, the good people at the Bavarian Bier Cafe will sound your success with a free shot of schnapps and the sound of their almighty cow bell. If you've descended past Gluttony and into Fraud then hide the leftovers if your (girlfriend's) handbag and nab the shot for free!
Bavarian Bier Café, Manly Wharf, Manly 2095. (02 9977 8088) See website for other Sydney locations. Every Tue 10am-10.30pm. $15.
5 Greed
De Nom
With membership setting you back a trifling $10,000, you should feel quite at home in this club's 18th century-styled opulence. Forget the proletariat with blatant ‘let them eat cake' disregard and ease back into that silk chaise longue. Sip French Champagne from the finest Czech lead crystal and when your poor delicate bladder has had enough, return to the Eden that is their bathroom. Silk-tented ceilings, bespoke wallpaper and handspun basins with brass swan spouts will make spending a pretty penny that little bit more pleasurable.
De Nom, 231 Oxford St, Darlinghurst, 2021.
Princesses' Picnic
Forget the commoners and be a princess for a day at the Princesses' Picnic at Cargo Bar. It's a bit like the Teddy Bears' Picnic, except without the bears, and the woods, and the big surprise. Sheltered from the elements and overlooking the city and harbour, delicacies like champagne, antipasto and salads gently ease you from day through to night. Sustain yourself for the evening ahead by upgrading to the Royal Package that among other things includes desserts, cheeses and a Cocktail Carafe. Beats anything Snow White ever got up to. Just don't accept any suspicious fruit...
Cargo Bar 52-60 The Promenade, King St Wharf, Sydney, 2000. (02 9262 1777) Advanced Bookings Essential.
6 Sloth
If you've made it this far, congratulations: we know it's a challenge. Have a little lie down
The Roomba
If you've found the motivation to move out of mum and dad's, but not quite enough to clean the place, then invest in your very own Robot-slave, the Roomba. It'll vacuum around your feet without so much as a grumble. Not feeling up to leaving the house? With nothing more strenuous than a double-click and a credit card, you can have one delivered to your door. Buy online at Salton Australia
Door to Door DVDs
OK, so you could watch Anchorman again, but with so many DVDs out there why not broaden your horizons? In the olden days this would mean leaving the house, entering a video store or - quel horreur! - a cinema. No more! Quickflix will deliver to your door with no late fees or fines, you'll run out of reasons to procrastinate.
Subliminal Learning
Whether it's natural breast enlargement or genius power you're after, these people on the net have everything. Lose weight, quit smoking and experience ‘the joy of exercising' all from the comfort of your bed. That's right, let your subconscious do the work. Or, at least, pretend to.
7 Envy
Cruising Yacht Club Australia
Motors out the front, yachts out the back and a few designer-clad deck dollies thrown in for good measure - welcome to the CYCA. This is Australia's most prestigious yacht club and the starting point for the famous Sydney to Hobart. Boys' toys worth more than the average house, handbags worth at least a week's wages, leisured classes with never-ending weekends... if your green eyed monster isn't writhing for a better look at this place, then bully for you: you've either reached enlightenment or the Powerball. Fortunately berthing your derriere in their Deck Restaurant is a lot more reasonable than you might expect; unlike their marina, they're not charging by the foot. Come for a weekend stroll and, once your green eyes have had their fill, indulge in a champagne brunch before taking that return voyage back to reality.
Cruising Yacht Club Australia, New Beach Rd, Darling Point, 2097. The Deck. (02 8292 7815). Mon-Sun. 8am-8pm. See website for menu.