Britney Spears vs Galapagos tortoise
Andrew P Street asks the question that all other publications fear to ask: which is more interesting, Britney Spears, or a Galápagos tortoise? The answers may shock!
Distribution and conservation status
The Galápagos tortoise (Geochelone nigra) is divided into ten sub-species, seven of which can be found on Isabella, the largest
island of the Galápagos group. All species are considered vulnerable with one
sub-species, the Abington Island Tortoise, reduced to a single living
representative. Britney Spears (homo infantia unus-magis-vicis) is similarly limited to one extant individual and
must therefore be regarded as critically endangered, although her international
range is unusually vast (though dependent on her touring schedule).
Evolutionary history
Both the Galápagos tortoise and Britney Spears share a
common ancestor in the therapsids of the early Permian period, approximately
275 million years ago. The two evolutionary branches later diverged – the
earliest shelled reptile was the Proganochelys of the Triassic, by which stage Britney's evolutionary line had passed
through the cynodonts and toward the earliest mammals. Even so, they share a number of
characteristics: most significantly that both have
evolved without the need for pants.
Mating and reproduction
The Galápagos Tortoise, like most reptiles, has evolved with
an "r-strategy" breeding pattern whereby a clutch of eggs is laid each breeding
season, of which only a limited number will survive to adulthood. Spears, like
most high-level mammals, exhibits k-strategy behaviour whereby she spawns
limited, high-dependency young, but she has developed a symbiotic relationship
with personal assistants and legally-mandated carers that are responsible for
much of the actual rearing of the Spearslings.
Lifespan
Once attaining adulthood, the Galápagos tortoise has no
natural predators and is thought to live up to 150 years, barring disease or
injury. The Spears, at 27, has already confounded predictions and is now
considered by many experts to be essentially immortal.
Behaviour
The Spears performance is filled with costumes, elaborate
sets, well-trained dancers and some of the greatest pop songs ever written. The
tortoises boast few of these qualities, choosing instead to lumber
about silently munching on grass and the occasional piece of fruit, with rudimentary choreography at best. Furthermore, Spears has been seen to use pre-recorded vocals on stage, an adaptation forced upon her by the
environmental pressures of stage lights and elaborate dance routines on her
human lungs. The Galápagos tortoise, by contrast, has never been observed using
autotune in either the wild or captivity.
Conclusion
Which is more interesting? This depends on whether ones tastes run more towards pop
music or herpetology, but we at Time Out say: why not enjoy both? And to avoid confusion, we recommend this handy rhyme: "Girt by sea? Torty-G. Visible ears? Probably Spears."
Britney Spears performs at Acer Arena on Thu 19 and Fri 20
Nov. Galápagos tortoises appear at Taronga's Western Plains Zoo every day.
You've read what we think. Now tell us what you think.